Brock Turner, Rape Culture & Parenting

If you are connected to the internet or watch television, you know about Brock Turner –the rapist who viciously assaulted a young woman next to a dumpster. Though convicted, Brock received an egregiously short, 6 month sentence. 

You’ve also likely read the survivor’s letter and the letter the rapist’s father sent to the court.  Perhaps you’ve also seen the powerful letter of John Pavlovitz to the rapist’s father.

While I am heartbroken for the victim in this scenario, I can also feel empathy for Brock’s family.  In some ways, I can even find some for Brock. 

Now, don’t panic.  Let me explain.  I imagine that Brock may be confused by all that has happened.  

Confused because rape culture is so pervasive. 

The idea, in our society, that women are accessories to be had (arm candy anyone?) and that they are weak, and needing protection from cisgender men.  

We send this message constantly. We send it when we create bathroom laws, under the guise of being related to transgender identity (cisgender men may dress as women to victimize our young girls). 

We send it when a male doctor is required to have a female escort in the room when performing a gynecological exam, because he apparently can’t be trusted to examine a woman without violating her.  

Women will be victimized by men and we must protect against it, because hey, men just can’t help it.  

Yet, when a victim does come forward, we will move the court to see what a wonderful young man committed this crime (having never done so before, so hey, he must be a really good guy) and get him the lowest sentence possible.  

What message does this send to victims of rape?  What message does it send to would be rapists?  What message does it send to young men and women that see this story in the media? 

I’ll tell you. 

• If I am a rich white male, I can do something that will damage another human being and scar them for the rest of their lives and I will pay a minimal cost for doing so.  
• If I am a victim, I may be courageous and willing to share my story, only to be essentially told that my pain doesn’t amount to much.  We can all agree that a longer sentence would have felt more vindicating to the survivor of this crime.
• The other message inherent in this case is that if you have enough money, you can get away with more.  And let’s be honest, that’s true.  It’s true with corporate taxes, it’s true with presidential candidates and it’s true of rich white men in general.  

 I do want to say, however, reading the letter that this young woman wrote told me more about her spirit and character than the length of any sentence would have.  There are no words to communicate the respect I feel for this woman; And my thoughts here are in no way meant to invalidate her experience or bravery. 

The other message inherent in this case is that if you have enough money, you can get away with more.  And let’s be honest, that’s true.  It’s true with corporate taxes, it’s true with presidential candidates and it’s true of rich white men in general.  

Racism isn’t a part of the title of this article, but we can’t have a conversation about socioeconomic status without mentioning racism.  If Brock Turner were a black man, would the outcome be different? If he were Mexican? Middle Eastern? Yes, I do believe it would be a very different outcome. 

How does this play out with parenting?

It demonstrates that our role as parents is much deeper than providing nice things to our children.  It is much more than providing nice cars, vacations and education.  

I don’t know if Brock had those things (beyond the nice education at Stanford) but I am going to make that assumption.  

Our role as parents sometimes involves the one thing we try to avoid in our helicopter age; Discomfort. 

We must teach our kids to be uncomfortable.  We must not provide them with everything they want, even if we can afford it.  

We must teach them the value of human life – any life.  Whether that life be a woman, a man,  a child or an animal. We mustn’t teach them that they are not the center of the universe. 

We must also be willing to stand up and tell them when they have done sometime heinous. 

We must demonstrate remorse and help our children to know what remorse feels like.  

Is this rape the fault of Brock Turner’s parents? No. Brock Turner made choices that night.  Not his parents.  

I am not willing, however, to absolve them completely. Based on the elder Turner’s letter, I can only imagine the desperation his father feels, to want to save his child from prison time, to protect him from the atrocities of incarceration. 

That is not what is needed here.  

Our children must be taught to experience the consequences for their actions. If we bail them out (literally and figuratively) every time they get caught, we create a sense of entitlement – an expectation that rules do not apply to them. 

 As parents we must create character in our children; We must demonstrate how to be healthy members of society (perhaps by also experiencing consequences and letting our children know). 

If our children are unable to learn these skills due to mental health concerns, then our job is to get them help.  And, that isn’t a conversation that can be had without also talking about socioeconomic status. Help is not available to everyone. Not everyone can afford help.  I understand that but am focusing on this case. This young man.  

This situation creates opportunity for dialogue with our kids. We must talk with kids about consent (even the littlest kids can understand this concept).  Consent is knowing about boundaries; what’s okay and what’s not okay… Understanding consent is also knowing when someone is incapable of providing consent. 

As parents, we must help our kids understand their actions create consequences, both good and bad.  We must be willing to allow our children to fall, to get bad grades when they don’t do their own work, and to sit with the feeling of failure; If we continue to save them from this they never learn how to regulate reality. 

And we parents must manage our discomfort too. Yes, it hurts when our children hurt. It  hurts more when they commit crimes that forever change the course of another human’s life.

Creating opportunity to feel the discomfort of reality is what allows for growth. For us and them. 

Standing firm in the awareness that our role as parents is not to befriend our children, nor is it to make sure they are always comfortable.  

Our role, in fact, is to make sure that they can withstand the discomfort that comes with living an honorable life.