Sex & Porn Addition: Is it Real or just an Excuse for “Bad” Behavior

With gratitude and joy, I present a wonderfully informative guest blog about Sex Addiction by an amazing colleague and friend, Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S

Sex Addiction: Real or Excuses?

I found my husband’s profile on several Internet sex sites; it turns out he has been meeting anonymous sex partners. I am devastated and confused; is he a sex addict?

As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I receive these kinds of desperate calls and emails daily. Clients come to me seeking support for their or their partner’s out-of-control sexual behaviors that have left their lives and relationships in ruins.

Sex addiction is toxic and hurts all involved: The person struggling with the addiction is ashamed and afraid. The hurting and betrayed spouse or partner often shares feeling confused, betrayed, and angry. And in spite of promises, the addict may feel hopeless to change and will lie to protect his or her secrets.

In the face of ongoing pain and deception, spouses and partners often want to know four things right away:

1. What is sex addiction?
2. Is it real, or is my mate simply making up an excuse for bad behavior?
3. Is there any hope for us?
4. What do we/I do now?

These are very important questions considering all of the misinformation on this topic; let’s break it down step-by-step:

Is Sex addiction Real?

While sex addiction is not yet an official diagnosis in the DSM V (i.e. the manual therapists use for providing a clinical diagnosis), the term is now a prevalent part of our everyday language. It is also how many clients self-identify when seeking treatment for their compulsive sexual behavior. However, as with any addiction, it is important to note that there are criteria that must be met, and specific assessments made, and other diagnosis that must be ruled out (e.g. OCD, Anxiety Disorders, Bi Polar Disorder, etc.).

Sexual addiction is referred to in the DSM V as, hypersexual disorder or sexual compulsion, meaning that the individual has a dysfunctional preoccupation with sex that leads to negative life consequences. This may manifest as an obsessive pursuit of casual sex, compulsive use of pornography and masturbation where the addict loses hours at a time, sexual choices that put his or her job or health at risk (thus risking the partner’s health), illegal activities or cruising for risky unprotected sex, hiding multiple affairs, regularly soliciting prostitutes, frequent use of sexual massage parlors, and other secretive sexual behavior that results in destructive consequences.

Without treatment, over time a chronic pattern develops that includes a cycle of preoccupation and fantasy, which fuels an urge to act out. Without recovery tools and counseling support, this pattern of urges, fantasies, and behaviors continues – sometimes over months or years, despite the following:

• Attempts to stop the out-of-control sexual behavior;
• Promises made and broken repeatedly to self and others to stop;
• Negative consequences, such as increased hostility in the primary relationship;
• Negative emotional problems, such as anxiety, depression, health, spiritual;
• Academic suspension, career difficulties, legal issues;
• Loss of support system;
• Increased Isolation and loneliness;
• Increase in drinking, smoking, drug use (called Multiple Addiction Interaction);
• Divorce or break up

In a nutshell, sexual addiction, like any addiction, is an out-of-control and on going pattern of compulsive sexual fantasy and behavior that is creating serious negative life consequences for the addict and his or her spouse or partner.

How Could My Mate Hurt Me This Way?

Partners of sex addicts may wonder how their significant other could hurt them so much. But the truth is that many individuals who struggle are using sex as a way to deal with unhealed emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety, or childhood trauma. One of the ways we support addicts is unpacking the root of what is fueling and informing their sexually compulsive choices.

For example, if an addict grew up in a dysfunctional or violent home, was neglected or abused, or was bullied at school, he/she may be unconsciously trying to cope with the pain. If this emotional pain goes unresolved and untreated, individuals may learn to cope by numbing through compulsive sexual fantasy and harmful sexual behavior. Think of it this way: Some people drink away their pain (alcoholism), others eat their pain (food addiction), others smoke away their pain (marijuana or nicotine addiction) and still others shoot up their pain (drug addition), while sex addicts sexualize their pain.

Partner’s Trauma

For the partner of a sex addict, the resulting trauma is often quite profound and feels deeply personal. It is a different kind of hurt than the spouse of an alcoholic or drug addict (though not to minimize the pain of those spouses), because a bottle of vodka does not have breasts, a vagina, or a penis. The pain of sexual betrayal or rejection that is often experienced by partners of sex addicts can be devastating. Partners and spouses of sex addicts share feeling emotionally thrown away like a sack of garbage by the addict’s behavior, and often experience traumatic consequences including:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Insomnia
• Feelings of rage and confusion
• Body image issues
• Insecurity
• Fear
• Shame
• Increase or decrease in weight
• Isolation
• Migraines
• Feeling crazy or wrong
• Paranoia
• Inability to concentrate on child rearing, work or school

Sometimes partners have attempted suicide, have started their own affairs in retaliation, undergo plastic surgery in an attempt to compete with the on line images or affair partner, or begin numbing with shopping, food, alcohol or drugs.

Other times the spouse will courageously reach out for support with a counselor, only to be labeled as a co-dependent, borderline personality, rage-aholic, controlling, or prude. Partners often present in therapy with all the symptoms of trauma that can be mis-diagnosed by a well-meaning therapist who does not have experience or expertise in treating the complex trauma of partners of sex addicts.

Partners and spouses want to know, What is going on with this person I love? Why would he or she do this to me and to us? Our job is to answer these questions with sensitivity and support. We have talked about underlying emotional pain that fuels the addicts choices and how this impacts the partner; now let’s take a look inside a sex or porn addict’s brain.

Sex on the Brain

What fires together wires together in the human brain, and much like any other addiction (e.g. drugs, food, shopping, gambling), people dealing with process additions and addictive sexual behaviors will experience a hormonal release, or a brain high. Over time, repeated use of compulsive sexual fantasies and behaviors eventually teaches the brain that when something overwhelming happens, for example, a fight with your spouse, a hard day at work, an upcoming exam, financial worries, or sometimes if the addict is bored and restless, the way to escape and cope is to engage in more and more of the same activity that helped you feel better the last time. Eventually the addict’s brain becomes hardwired for sexual addiction and the hormonal release from pain through pursuit of compulsive sex or porn.

This highly complex brain recipe of neurochemicals includes: dopamine (which is associated with pleasure and numbness), adrenaline (which is associated with fear and excitement), oxytocin (which is associated with love and connection), serotonin (which helps stabilize anxiety and stress,) and endorphins (which can produce an out of body experience and will result in feelings of intense pleasure and excitement). The release of all these neurochemicals allows the addicted person a temporary escape from reality.

But isn’t this just an excuse for bad choices? No, it is not an excuse; rather this is a way to understand why it is so difficult for addicts to change. Early unresolved trauma and pain, combined with attachment problems, combined with shame and secrecy, combined with confusing intensity with intimacy, combined with every day stressors, combined with a lack of healthy coping tools installed at an early age, combined with a lack of internal or external resources and support, combined with intense feelings of fear and anger, create the perfect storm for a pre-disposition toward this behavior.

What Sex Addiction Isn’t

Not everyone who comes into Growth Counseling stating they are a sex addict is actually a sex addict. There are clinical steps, assessments, diagnostic rule outs, and other factors we look at before the client is officially diagnosed with a hypersexual disorder. This is why it is imperative that the individual seeks treatment with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction treatment.

Further, a person may not be dealing with sex addiction simply because they have sexual fetishes. Nor is a person a pervert, a pedophile, or crazy if they are dealing with sex addiction.

A sexual fetish is not a sex addiction. Sexual fetishes could include particular sex play, group sex or swinging, bondage, spanking, erotic fantasy and sexual acts between consulting adults that may be outside of the norm, cross dressing, foot or body part fetish, and so forth. Human beings are complex and every person’s sexual blue print is unique to that individual. As CSAT therapists, we are not sex negative. We believe that each human being has the right to decide how they choose to experience sexuality.

A person is certainly not a sex addict because they are gay, transgender, queer, bi-sexual or experimenting sexually. They may struggle with destructive sexually compulsive behaviors, but it is not because of their orientation, sex, gender identity or way of defining themselves.

While we want everyone of our clients to practice fun, safe, connected sex, and respect themselves, their partners, and their bodies, as CSAT therapists, our job is not to judge another person’s sexual choices. As long as a client is engaging in sex that feels good for him/her, is not making choices that include the above criteria for addiction, is acting in a consensual manner sexually, and is not harming anyone, then we as therapists must respect their choices.

Is there Hope? First Healing Steps for the Spouse or Partner 

There is always hope for your relationship or marriage if the addict is willing to seek help. However, even if your addicted spouse or partner is unwilling, there is hope for your healing.

The first step is to make sure that you protect your health and set up an appointment with your medical doctor. If you have been lied to, made to feel wrong, worthless or crazy, then you only know what you know. Do not continue to engage in unprotected sex with a person who is lying to you about his/her sexual behavior. This is akin to playing Russian roulette with your health and well-being.

Do not isolate or try to manage this on your own. Reach out, seek help from licensed and certified professionals who are skilled in sex addiction treatment and the treatment of spouses and partners. Especially consider working with a CSAT (i.e. a Certified Sex Addition Therapist) who has a clear understanding of partner trauma, can provide specific assessments and tools, and will not minimize your pain.

Finally, set non-negotiable boundaries for your addicted spouse or partner to seek specialized treatment with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (i.e. CSAT), and name a certain date that this treatment must begin (this is often the toughest step for most partners).

Here is an example of a letter/ email/ text (I suggest a letter in the mail). My clinical recommendation to my clients (please note if you are not my client this is not a clinical recommendation for you, rather it is an example of how I support clients at my center) is to type this in a letter, using I statements, and keep it short and direct.

I have become aware of your ongoing secret sexual life and choices, and I will no longer believe the lies and excuses you have been giving me. Your choices have left me feeling confused, betrayed, devastated, anxious, angry and depressed.

As a result I have found myself (list consequences such as: unable to work, unhealthy, sleep, eat, etc.). My heart has been hurt; I feel traumatized by your behavior, and I will not tolerate this any longer.

As of today, I have made a decision that I will no longer live this way. I will no longer stay in a relationship with a person who is lying to me and cheating on me. As such, I am seeking the support of a CSAT therapist and have scheduled my first session for [date]. I will be seeking on going support and focusing on learning tools, healing, and taking next steps.

What I need from you in order for me to consider staying:

1. Here is a website that can help you [website] and a list of counselors [list] who specialize in sex addiction.
2. If you choose to seek help and recovery, then the consequence is that I will consider staying with you.
3. However, if you choose not to seek therapy and healing, then I will be making plans to leave.

I love you, but I love me more. Attending sex addiction therapy is not an ultimatum. Rather it is a specific safety request to support my healing, and a non-negotiable boundary to support our relationship. This must be met by [date/within 2 weeks] or I will begin looking into next steps over the next few weeks.

As scary as it may be, stand in the reality that you must begin to advocate for yourself and your relationship. If you do not have the tools or confidence to do this, your therapist will walk you through step-by-step.

Finally, manage your expectations. Addicts will not change without experiencing consequences for their choices. And sadly, even then, some addicts will never change, no matter how hard they fall and what they stand to lose. As you give yourself permission to focus on yourself, change will happen.

First Healing Steps for the Addict

If you are reading this and have been keeping sexual secrets, deceiving and hurting yourself and those around you, feel that you are out of control, and are making on going sexually destructive choices, or if you can relate to parts of what I am writing about, then it is time to stop the crazy making cycle. It is time to stop hurting yourself and those you love. I encourage you to reach out to licensed and skilled professionals and get the confidential support you deserve.

You are likely a good person making really bad choices based on unresolved pain.

Addicts cannot do this work of healing in isolation. If you want to stop the crazy train, live an authentic life, quit hiding in the shadows, and have relationships you are proud of, the time to begin healing is today.

Reach out to a CSAT therapist and look over the resource list below.

Resources for Sex Addicts and Partners

• Growth Counseling Services growthcounselingservices.com
• Sexual Recovery Support group for men – [email protected]
• HEART Support group for female partners- [email protected]
• http://www.iitap.com (you can do a zip code search for a CSAT therapist in your city/state)
• Facing the Shadow Workbook – Amazon
• Facing Heartbreak Workbook – Amazon
• SAA 12 step support for addicts
• S-Anon 12 step support for partners and spouse
• SLAA 12 step support for sex and love addicts

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Supervisor, Founder of Growth Counseling Services in Glendora, California which supports individuals, partners/spouses, and couples hurt from the devastating consequences of sex and porn addiction. Mari is a best selling author, popular speaker, and facilitates workshops around the country.

For more information visit: www.growthcounselingservices.com, or you may email Mari directly at [email protected]