Violence in Relationships

Violence in Relationships Blog Series

First: The Facts

You may wonder why I chose this topic for a blog series, and why at this time of year? Shouldn’t we instead be making lists of things we’re grateful for and planning our new years resolutions? The truth is that it’s never the wrong time to discuss the painful and horrific subject of domestic violence. The discussion of the shattering consequences of abuse set against the backdrop of the holiday season mirrors the jarring reality of those who experience it.

If you find yourself in a healthy relationship or have never been in an emotionally or physically violent one, it’s likely that you’re unaware of how prevalent this issue is. Sure, you heard about the Ray Rice incident, or you remember reading about how Chris Brown battered his then-girlfriend Rhianna. While these celebrity controversies shed some light on an incredibly pervasive issue, they often only do so for a short time. Intimate partner violence (also known as domestic violence) happens every minute of every day. By the time it takes you to finish this blog, approximately 40 people were victimized by their intimate partner.

What exactly do we mean when we discuss violence in relationships? For purposes of this blog series, it will include stalking, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and homicide.

Today’s post will focus on the facts. Being aware of the depth of this problem is paramount to understanding how to raise awareness of it and how to combat it.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides the following statistics: (September 2014)

10 million men and women are physically victimized by an intimate partner each year (that equates to 20 people per minute)

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced IPV in their lives; 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe violence at the hands of their partner in their lifetime

Intimate partner violence affects every cultural group and every socioeconomic group. It does not matter what a person’s gender or sexual orientation is – IPV occurs in every type of relationship.

You may be familiar with how abuse can occur in generational patterns; a person who was once the victim may later become the perpetrator to someone else. While this does happen, abuse often also cycles within a single relationship. There are many variations, but the general pattern is as follows:

1. A period of normalcy or acting/pretending like things are okay within in the relationship.

2. A tension building stage. This tension can begin outside the home (work or school) but will often lead to the abuser attempting power and control with
his/her partner, in an effort to battle against feelings of frustration or powerlessness elsewhere. The tension can also come from stressful situations in the home, such as parenting, health issues or loss of comfort and security. This is sometimes described as walking on egg shells, or not wanting to trigger the other person. An anticipatory fear begins.

3. The abuse occurs. The abuser lashes out verbally, physically, or sexually and causes immense psychological suffering to the other person. The intention is to create powerlessness and fear in the person being abused. The abuse can take place over a period of days and happen repeatedly.

4. The justification period follows, wherein the abuser attempts to blame others (often the victim) for the abusive behavior. If only you hadn’t been __________, I wouldn’t have had to react that way. The abuse is never the victim’s fault.

5. Sometimes called the honeymoon phase. A period of calm and quiet ensues where the abuser may present as remorseful or extremely thoughtful (flowers, kind acts, etc.).

6. The cycle begins again.

It is extremely difficult to end this cycle without outside intervention. Many individuals feel isolated or have become so due to rules and requests of the abuser. Additionally, many feel shame and humiliation and therefore begin to avoid the people in their lives who could help them. Though sometimes the situation can seem hopeless, it is possible to get assistance and work toward feeling whole and healthy again.

Next week’s blog will focus on the emotions often felt while in an abusive relationship and how to begin to care for yourself. Our last blog will provide ideas for receiving assistance as well as resources if you are ready to reach out for support. Remember, abuse is preventable, and everyone has the right to experience life without fear. Stay tuned!